


Waking Up Early Has Its Merits -drabble-

by kiokushitaka



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Gen, Introspection, POV First Person, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-26
Updated: 2013-12-26
Packaged: 2018-01-06 05:07:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1102769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiokushitaka/pseuds/kiokushitaka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I really must be getting old. I let out a hollow chuckle to the empty room. Waking up early has its merits. At least none of these brats will see me like this. It’s better that they see me as the invincible hero that I’m known as; not this tired, broken old man.</p>
<p>
  <b>Takes place in the current manga timeline; possible spoilers.</b>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Waking Up Early Has Its Merits -drabble-

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write something for Levi's birthday, and this angsty thing happened. Idk. Also, I have this headcanon that he has like a ton of survivor's guilt. So, yeah. 
> 
> Levi's POV.

Waking up early has its merits. I can sit back in peace and quiet and take my tea and breakfast. I don’t have to fight anyone to be able to take my morning shit... like I said. It has its merits. It has its downsides, too. All that silence likes to fill itself up with thinking and sometimes the thinking takes a turn I don’t really want it to… but that’s the life, I guess, of a soldier. Remembering all the lives I could have saved but wasn’t able to for some reason or another.  Sure, I’m constantly telling these brats not to have regrets, but just because I’m preaching it doesn’t mean I practice it; it’s hard not to feel like all my comrades died because I wasn’t strong enough.

It’s ironic; I’m humanity’s so-called strongest, and I still manage to fuck things up and lose people I was supposed to have under my care. I almost lost our one strategic advantage to that titan bitch… yeah, this morning’s thoughts took that turn. I set my mug of tea down and sigh. _Happy fucking birthday, huh? Don’t forget all the people that died while you were in charge._ I try to dispel the thoughts, to remember that sometimes sacrifices have to be made for the greater good, but it’s fucking hard. It happens so goddamn much to me, to people _I_ care about and I’m just tired.

I really must be getting old. I let out a hollow chuckle to the empty room. Waking up early has its merits. At least none of these brats will see me like this. It’s better that they see me as the invincible hero that I’m known as; not this tired, broken old man.

A floorboard creaking catches my attention and I quickly replace my mask of indifference as I hear someone stumbling down the corridor.

“Who’s there? What do you want?” I ask, the annoyance in my voice carrying over from my train of thought rather than being inspired by the person creeping around. Eren peeks cautiously around the door frame, and I roll my eyes.

“Sorry to disturb you, sir…”

“Get on with it, brat.”

“I was taking a piss and I noticed someone was up. I’m sorry to have bothered you.” He makes to leave, but I stop him and gesture towards an empty chair. I want to laugh at his nervousness around me, still. I can see he’s trying to impress me. He even tried to get the others to clean this dump before I got here. Eren’s an earnest kid, and I wonder if he sees me as some sort of father figure, on account of his actual father being conveniently indisposed at the moment.

He couldn’t have chosen a worse one, but whatever. He can believe whatever he wants about me. He’ll learn the truth sooner or later, I suppose.

“Today’s my birthday, you know.” I mutter absently. “And don’t fucking ask how old I am because I’m _not_ telling you.” He swallows so hard I can hear it from where I am. I almost smirk.

“Did you make a wish?” He asks, quietly. I turn to look at him, and blink a few times. I’ve gotta admit, I have no real idea how to respond to that. Here he is, Humanity’s Hope. Some weird mutant with the ability to turn into a titan, who can grow back body parts… a kid who was able to murder two adult men when he was much younger and he still has moments of innocence? Incredible.

“I’m too old for that.” I reply simply, after a long pause.

“Well…” he says thoughtfully, “If you weren’t too old for it, what would you have wished for?”

“Besides the obvious?” I incline my head to one side; if this wish had any sort of actual power, I suppose I’d use it for something useful, like wishing for a world without titans. Magic isn’t real, though, so I wouldn’t waste it on that. On that same vein, I know I wouldn’t be able to bring back my dead comrades… so that’s out. It takes me a long while, but I eventually realize that there’s not much else I want that isn’t ridiculously unattainable. “There’s really nothing. I mean, what I would have wished for at your age, I’ve already got.”

“What’s that, sir?”

“Food in my belly, and a purpose in life.” I say, and take the last swig of my tea. I don’t want to say it aloud, I don’t want to admit that I’m becoming attached to this ragtag group of brats. I’m not ready for that, yet. So I lied to Eren, but not really; because my fifteen year old self would have wished for those things. Anything would have been better than living on the streets, begging for scraps… but the truth is, I finally feel like I’m part of a family again. And I’m fucking terrified.

Because I’m probably going to fuck things up again.

_Happy fucking birthday, huh?_


End file.
